Loving Each Other and Supporting Everyone’s Dreams
How to Have a Functional Family: a Toolkit Brought to You by The Addams Family *Snap Snap*
Tags: #AddamsFamily #FamilyValues #PositiveRelationships #HealthyRelationships #RoleModels #GenderRoles #Films
The Addams family is probably one of the most iconic and influential pop cultural families of Western society. Originally created as a comic panel for the New Yorker in 1938 by ‘Chas’ Addams, the Addams family entered the zeitgeist of the 1960s when ABC developed a TV series spanning over 64 episodes. The original TV production not only breathed life into Gomez, Mortia, Wednesday, Pugsly and the rest of the Addamses, but it also brought us the iconic theme music and finger snaps (Owen 2017). Since then, this creepy and kooky family has been reincarnated through multiple live action and animated series and films, and even made it into a musical.
The 1960s television sitcom “functioned as a critique of the suburban nuclear family [...] [by bringing] the social norms, values and ideologies of the mid-century American family” (Morowitz 2007, 35) into question. For example, Wheatley (2006, 135) points out how the title scene of the television sitcom mirrors a typical and cliche family portrait that “call[s] attention to the ‘family-ness’” of the Addamses highlighting that they are just another ‘regular’ family. Yet at the same time, family ideals are consistently and repeatedly called into question - such as the parenting of Wednesday and Pugsley, the passionate romance between Morticia and Gomez, the rejection and simultaneous compliance to femininity and masculinity by all family members, or the overall relationship between the deviant Addamses and their hostile and intolerant yet ‘normal’ neighbours (Wheatley 2006). In other words, the Addams family is a satiric play on western family ideals by playing precisely with some more stereotypical traits while simultaneously defying them.
While the Addamses may seem like a dysfunctional family due to their love for the dark and macabre, their rejection and disregard of many familial ideologies makes them more functional than most nuclear families. For example, the marriage between Gomez and Morticia is incredibly functional and healthy. Therapist Jonathan Decker and filmmaker Alan Seawright – the hosts of Cinema Therapy (2021) – ascribe this to seven principles Morticia and Gomez follow including understanding your partner’s passion, nurturing fondness, interest in what the other person desires, letting your partner influence you, solving problems together, overcoming problems, creating shared meaning, and deep passion.
Yet the marriage of the Addamses is not the only value that makes this family so functional. More broadly speaking healthy (family) relationships are defined by mutual understanding, promotion of growth and wellbeing, being attentive to other people’s needs, good communication, problem solving, mutual respect, making compromises, managing responsibilities together, sharing values and life goals, sharing time together, healthy intimacy and passion, trust, and freedom from abuse (e.g. Brazelton & Greenspan 2000; Hromek and A. Walsh 2012; Noble and McGrath 2012; O’Brien & Mosco 2012; Roffrey 2012; Gottman & Silver 2015). Indeed, when taking a closer look at the Addams family, it becomes evident that their family dynamic is incredibly positive and supportive. In the upcoming sections, we will draw on examples from the iconic 90s movies The Addams Family (Paramount Pictures1991) and Addams Family Values (Paramount Pictures 1993).
Let your darkest secrets give you away
Each member of the Addams family either aims to learn about or already understands the other members. For example, in the beginning of The Addams Family, Morticia lays in bed and points towards the sun. Gomez immediately understands that she does not enjoy the sun’s presence and closes the curtains for her without Morticia asking to have her needs met. Similarly, later in the film, Gomez is playing with his train set and Mortica, Wednesday, and Pugsley know that this means Gomez is brooding and upset.
The Addams don’t just understand one another, but they are also incredibly empathetic. For instance, while Morticia and Gomez did not agree that it would be a good idea to go to summer camp in Addams Family Values, they nonetheless were understanding in responding to their children’s needs – albeit this particular situation was of course a feeble ruse from Debbie, uncle Festers’ wife-to-be, to get rid of two too observant children. In a scene in The Addams Family, Morticia is sensitive to her husband’s behaviour when Gomez feels betrayed by his brother and, as a result, Morticia immediately is looking for a job to give Gomez space to grieve.
Moreover, the Addamses promote each other's growth and wellbeing through support and encouragement. In Addams Family Values, when Morticia exclaims she wants to ‘seek out the dark forces and join their hellish crusade’, without any hesitation, Gomez responds that she will, she shall, so it must be. This subsequently further highlights how Morticia and Gomez are not co-dependent but promote each others’ individuality. This is also the case in their parenting: in The Addams Family, Wednesday and Pugsley are encouraged to experiment with their interests, such as preparing a Shakespearean piece for the school play. Nurturing and promoting their interest is further seen between Fester and the kids when they sought help from their uncle to improve their acting and make it even more macabre. Collectively, these examples show that the family members are attentive to each others’ behaviour and needs.
Face your blackest demons, find your weakest bone
The Addamses are incredibly effective communicators. This particularly comes through in their non-verbal communication. For example, in The Addams Family, Wednesday and Pugsley are immediately aware of what both of their parents are thinking in regards to the long-lost-but-now-returned Fester. They do not have to ask their parents about their thoughts, they simply know because they are able to read Morticia and Gomez’ facial expressions and body language so well that verbal communication is not necessary to specify.
When an Addams faces an issue, the remaining members are there to help solve the problem and support one another in any way possible. In Addams Family Values, Fester is anxious about going on a date with Debbie. Gomez proposes to make it a double date to alleviate his concerns. Yet, they are also a family able to admit that they may not be able to solve all their problems internally and seek help externally. In The Addams Family, when at limits with Fester the Addamses talk to, what they think is, a psychiatrist. They can admit when they are at the end of their wits and require professional help rather than letting problems pile up or escalate.
Right and wrong, who's to say which we should refuse
Not only do the Addamses listen to one another, they respect each other. In Addams Family Values, although they are stunned and disturbed at the idea, Gomez and Morticia send Pugsley and Wednesday to summer camp. In the same vein, the children respect their parents’ sudden desire to have them experience the great outdoors. Later in the movie, the Addamses seek out Fester at Debbie’s house after their honeymoon. Under Debbie’s spell, he sends them away, claiming he never wants to see any of them again and they go. They respect that, although it is not what they wanted, Fester has made his decision; after hearing it from him in person, they respect him enough to comply with his wishes.
In every relationship in the family, they acknowledge the positive traits about each other. They seek out the good in each other, the things to admire; and this extends to others outside of the immediate family. In The Addams Family, the family lawyer Tully Alford arrives to collect money. Tully and his wife, Margaret, are obviously uncomfortable around the Addamses, but Morticia and Gomez are open and welcoming and in fact, throughout the movie, spend quite a bit of time with the Alfords; they attend the séance, the school play, and are even invited to Fester’s ball. While outsiders immediately notice and react to the Addamses oddness, the Addamses never reject people based on their appearance or behaviours.
More than anything, Morticia and Gomez are excellent at compromise. Gomez lives with Grandmama, Morticia’s mother. Morticia lives with Gomez’ brother, Fester. Each member of the extended family has their own place in their home with unique responsibilities. Grandmama cooks, Fester often cares for the children. The biggest compromise might be in Addams Family Values, when their third child, Pubert, has a crisis of identity and turns into a rosy-cheeked blonde baby. Morticia reads him The Cat in the Hat, and is simultaneously bored and disgusted. Although there are disagreements within the family in certain situations, they make small sacrifices to keep the overall family unit happy and together.
When you’re an Addams
The strong bond between the Addamses comes from their shared values and shared life goals. Most prominently, the one value all Addamses live by is putting family – their immediate and wider family – above everything. Their house hosts the graveyard full of dead relatives who are cherished and honoured, and the Addamses often reminisce about their ancestors’ adventures and accomplishments. They frequently host gatherings for the wider Addams clan to celebrate their family. In The Addams Family, Gomez, Morticia, Fester, Grandmama, and even Lurch attend Wednesday and Pugsley’s school play and are their biggest cheerleaders when their scene ends regardless of the disengagement of the rest of the audience. These values further extend to shared interests and time spent together. Most prominently and obvious is of course their communal interest in everything dark and macabre including death and torture devices. Family members are frequently shown enjoying dancing at family gatherings. The whole family also gets involved in family games’ night, quite literally; yes, this includes the dead ones.
More broadly speaking, the Addamses celebrate each other’s differences and uniqueness and treat everyone the same regardless of ‘oddness’. For example, Cousin Itt is simply Cousin Itt; there is never any mention or even expression on an Addamses’ face that he is anything but another member of the family. In Addams Family Values, Margaret Alford has married Cousin Itt, but still stays true to her bright and colourful pastel wardrobe. She is an accepted member of the extended family, even if she is the only one in pink. Simply put, when you’re an Addams, you’re an Addams.
Tango de Amore
One of the most iconic qualities of both Morticia and Gomez is their love for one another. The two have a very healthy, and very active, sexual relationship. One of the first scenes of The Addams Family introduces Morticia as she wakes up in bed. She and Gomez have a brief discussion about their activities from the night before, which quickly devolves into Gomez joining Moriticia in bed. During the auction, all it takes is two words of Spanish from Gomez, before the two are all over each other in the audience. Even when Morticia has been strapped to a torture wheel by Tully and Dr. Greta Pinder-Schloss, the two are flirting their way through the scene.
Despite their deep obsession with one another they do not neglect their children. They both play active roles in the raising of their children; spending time with them and encouraging them to explore and expand their own interests. Morticia enters the attic just before Wednesday can pull the final switch and electrocute Pugsley. They are late for the auction, but instead of rushing her kids out the door, she allows them to finish their game and waits patiently. However, they do set boundaries. When Wednesday and Pugsley attempt to drop Pubert off the roof, Gomez and Morticia sit the children down for a talk. They ask whether Wednesday and Pugsley hate their baby brother or think their parents love Pubert more. They discuss the issue, instead of leaving it in the shadows to fester. Then they work towards a solution. They might be an iconic couple, but they never put themselves above their children’s needs and concerns.
It's family first and family last
Ultimately, everything comes down to the fact that the Addamses trust each other. They don’t lie to each other; they don’t hide things from one another. Morticia and Gomez, and even Fester, know their children are playing with poison, knives, and electric chairs. Gomez trusts Morticia to know what she wants out of life; joining hellish crusades. Fester trusts Gomez enough to ask for advice and seek counsel. Morticia trusts her mother, Fester, and Lurch to help look after Wednesday and Pugsley.
Outsiders are the only abusers around the Addamses. Dr. Greta Pinder-Schloss is very abusive and controlling towards Fester, as Gordon. Debbie is down-right murderous towards, again, Fester. She is a perpetrator of coercive control, forcing Fester to cut ties with his entire family. Even Tully, the family lawyer, is an example of a toxic life-partner. He demonstrates his masculinity by exercising control over Margaret and putting her down. However, during Fester’s ball, Cousin Itt romances Margaret, proving he’s a true Addams, by listening and supporting her, even if only for an evening. Therefore, despite their interest in the macabre and death, the Addamses don’t use violence and abuse to control family members. Instead, the Addamses have a solid base of trust and understanding, and that allows them to flourish and grow as individuals and together.
Do what Addamses always do
Be more like the Addamses. There is a reason this creepy and kooky family has become “one of the most iconic families in American history” (Nour, 2021). They might have started as a critique of the “suburban nuclear family” (Morowitz 2007, 35) but they embody more than a few core values, like honesty and trust, that are literally what people should mean when they say “life goals”. You don’t have to color-coordinate the outfit of everyone in the family, but you should communicate effectively and spend time together enjoying your shared interests. Every member of the family understands and respects the other members, but they go further than that and extend that respect and care towards acquaintances and outsiders.
There’s not really much more to say than that. Be mysterious and spooky, and maybe a little bit ooky. Be more Addams.
Sources
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Decker, J., Seawright, A. (2021). 7 Tips From The Addams Family To Keep Your Marriage Alive. Cinema Therapy, 26 October https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8sFitCMQqV8
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